The Dummies' Guide to Klonoa Romance
by Solitary Shadow
Summary: Trust me, there is no way to summarize this. A parody of bad, overused romance fics. Starring Pango x Janga. Read on if you dare.


**Disclaimer:** Klonoa and related characters are copyright to Namco. Damned lucky bitches!!!

Just... just read. I can't put this in words.

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Ever wanted to write some serious Klonoa romance but hadn't had any inspiration? Not feeling brave? No clue how to write romance? Well, your romancephobia need to exist no more! With this step-by-step guide, YOU can be an absolutely mind-blowing Klonoa romance writer! Fangirls and fanboys are 110 percent guaranteed!

Read on...

**Step No. 1 - The Main Chracters (Hero / Heroine)**

First of all, you need to choose the main characters that will be in your story. Ignore anyone else - when writing romance, you _only_ need to focus on the important characters. The rest can go to hell for all you care.

Preferably, the pairing ideal for those are: Klonoa/Lolo, Guntz/Leorina, Guntz/Klonoa, Popka/Tat, Guntz/Pretty much anyone.

Also, if you wish to include yourself in the fic, do it _now_! Just give your character an unpronouncable thirty-syllable name, give them amazing good looks and beauty that makes everyone around them swoon, unexplainable powers that challenge the universe, a voice better than a whole choir of angels, and then you're all set to be Guntz the Bounty Hunter's perfect love! (For more information on this highly original idea, ring 1-800-MARY-SUES or see the publication, 'The Ultimate Guide to Klonoa Mary-Sues'.)

And you see, if you like a challenge, do something _extremely_ original. Do not use strange and weird characters like Chipple unless you're going to make them evil, or angsty.

You can also go for something different and pair up Pango and Janga.

**Step No. 2 - Start of the Fic**

Never reveal the names of the characters in the first sentence. Let's see what happens if you do that:

**Example 1: **

Pango sighed and thought about his secret love, Janga.

**END EXAMPLE**

Boring or what? THIS IS TOTALLY STUPID! _Always _start with a 'he' or a 'she', or even better, a spoken sentence. Then dramatically reveal the names after a couple of beautifully descriptive paragraphs that keeps the reader guessing. Also, you must never include the pairing on the summary of the story.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention... ALWAYS concentrate on the features:

EYES

HAIR (or FUR... whatever...)

VOICE

SLENDER WAIST

MUSCLED CHEST (If male)

SIZE C CHEST (If female)

You can also never use too many adjectives. Ones that mean the exactly same as another are the best.

Fragmented sentences do work too. You must remember to use them at least twenty times in a paragraph, and only with a maximum of three words. Otherwise, don't even try.

Repetition. Repetition. OH MY GOD THE REPETITION. USE THEM!!!! USE THEM!!!

If exclaiming or shouting or crying out for whatever reason, exclmation marks must be used. Preferably in groups of about fifteen after every descriptive sentence. Capital letters also work well. Other punctuation? Nah.

Finally, similes. They are more effective if they are ones that describe the colour, or the shape, of a character to their personality.

Now let's see the example...

**Example 2:**

He just couldn't forget the soft, deep voice in his mind. No matter how much he tried, he just couldn't get them out!!!!! And the eyes... oh, those blue and yellow eyes!! Although they were cool and calculating, those beautiful, yet somewhat wild eyes blazed right through his soul like a hot knife through a stick of butter. His fur was like wine. Mauve. Mauve. Mauve. Always so very MAUVE and PURPLE. Everytime he remembered the vibrant fur, he felt immersed, pleasantly drunk in the lushness of the owner of the fur. There was just something so beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful, pretty about it. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. So BEAUTIFUL. And so purple. Purple and beautiful. Beautiful and purple. Cutting straight into his heart, touching the depths of his mind. Like a vintage wine. A purple, suave wine beyond anything else in the world. It was slowly intoxicating his soul.

And the eyes!!!!!!

The eyes of a murderer? No, never!!!!!!

Well - he was one, to be honest!

But there was a softer, gentle side to him as well, like his fur. So very cool and wild, but soft and plush as well.

Was he really a monster, like everyone said? The Cat? With Poison Claws?

Maybe yes, but he was so bloody HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His Bohemian-style fur. His emotions and heart. The stone-cold heart that Pango wished he could warm.

Janga...

Pango loved Janga.

And it tore him up inside, messing with his thoughts.

**END EXAMPLE**

Now see? You've got the general feeling of the story, the atmosphere is perfect, the main characters are in place, and of course - a generous helping of mystery, suspense and ANGST. The last factor is incredibly important. Make this the primary factor in all your stories, and you'll be laughing.

There is, of course, the pure, innocent and physical aspects of love in this. At least one of the pair should be mind-blowingly gorgeous. If the other is bad looking or not too good in general, don't go into too much detail - just make them angst about their looks every now and then. Angst can solve everything, I tell you. That is important.

**Step No. 3 - Emotions, Action, Confessions, and the Finale**

Two main things should be taken into consideration if you have come this far. The 'Angst' factor and the 'Fluff' factor - The fic must be absolutely drenched in those two factors if you're going to make your fic a success. And when the word angst is said, it means REAL angst, to the point where the one angsting considers suicide. Make the sucidal theme as dramatic and interesting as possible. (e.g. jumping from a bridge, suicide bombing, jumping off a cliff/building, slitting wrists in the bath, guns, etc.) Also, bring God into it somehow. It has to be the God/Goddess of the world of the Klonoaverse, who happens to be the Goddess Claire.

This is an example of one of the characters taking out their anger on something else.

**Example 3:**

"The next swing's going right to your faces, bitches!" Pango screamed as he swiped the wooden plank at the sawdust-filled dolls that were originally meant for bomb target practices.

**END EXAMPLE**

Angst can be an explanation for anything. Psychotic behaviour needs explaining? Just shove the blame on angstyness!

But the most important thing is: THE TWO MUST BE HOPELESSLY IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A few sentences that are separated by -+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+- or or /-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/- or something which is pretty as hell adds suspense and mystery to the fic. Chuck those kinds of sentences and seperation lines whenever you feel like it, and let the action begin. Make the two angst about each other (preferably for a few pages), bring them together using some kind of stunning scenario, and let THE SWEET LOVEMAKING BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (With Pango and Janga? Oh dear, even _I'm _not brave enough to try _that_...)

Now let's see what happens:

**Example 4:**

It was wrong. Against nature. Against what the Goddess Claire intended.

But there was no choice.

Love never gives you choices of any kind.

It's funny, yet painful thing, that thing called love; it's sweet, nothing like you will ever feel, but it's also painful. It toys with your mind and tears you up inside.

Like the bomb that was now strapped to Pango's waist.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Nothing could save him now. He wanted escape. From the endless, everlasting torment he was in.

There was only one way.

Only one person who could save him.

And that person was Pango.

And Pango could never love him.

Who would _ever_ love a _monster_, the _cruel murderer _like he was?

With a heavy sigh, and another sad one, Janga trudged his way to the warehouse where the dynamite was kept. He clutched a stick of dynamite to his chest and walked slowly over to the door where he knew that the matches were kept, away from the bombs.

Well, not anymore.

One flame, one perfect flame of light and a few seconds would end it all.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

And... He... Reached... For... The... Door...

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

To Janga's great surprise, he was met face to face with Pango; for it was the very room where Pango was preparing to die, a burning match in his hand, just ready to light the bomb.

"Janga!" Pango gasped, dropping the match. It hissed and went out.

"Pango!" Janga gasped. The clawed hand holding the stick of dynamite loosened, and the bomb fell to the floor and rolled across the ground, away from the two, just as Pango unstrapped his own.

And then the tears started.

Both collapsed to the ground and cried, holding each other; for they now knew that they'd loved each other for so long, and that they were just about to kill themselves for nothing. It had been total love at first sight, ever since the two had seen each other in the Moon World so many months before.

"I love you, Pango." Janga choked out. "I loved you right from the start. You'll always have the key to my heart."

"I love you too, Janga." Pango whispered back, hugging the purple cat tight. "Will you take me in your heart? For ever and always?"

His soft, sweet voice melted Janga's heart, the frozen heart that had remained that way for too long.

"Of course," He murmured. "You know I will. It's so plain to see that you're the only one for me. I love you just the way you are. I only..." Here he sobbed with happiness. "...I only want to be with you."

And then they embraced once more, time meaning nothing to them.

They were finally free.

They were free.

They were in love.

They would always love... EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!

FIN

**END EXAMPLE**

This is pure perfection in words, and deserves the Nobel Prize for Literature. No alterations needed, no, siree. Now you have finished, go and write! I wish you luck in writing the perfect Klonoa romance!!!

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THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. THE FIC WAS ONLY INTENDED FOR HUMOUR, NOTHING MORE.

Alright... now... this is just...

WTF?

I was crazy. I know. I was just trying to overcome writer's block. I apologize for suddenly scaring you with this totally pontless piece of crap.

Reviews... I don't think I deserve one. But they're appreciated. Thankies!!

-Solitary Shadow over and out-


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